


THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE

by emmakschlosser



Series: THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE [1]
Category: Satan - Fandom
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-22
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-09 06:50:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10406355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmakschlosser/pseuds/emmakschlosser
Summary: You meet your soulmate in the strangest of places. Only to find he is not what you thought he was.





	1. MEETING SATAN

**Author's Note:**

> HEHEHEHEHEHEHE

This is the face you make when you realize you left your iron on but you are too far from your unicorn to save him. He dies a torturous death by tiny snakes invading its shower and clogging your drain. This was the last day of your life, for you died in a cave while spelunking (?) for rare British peanuts that have the power to read minds. That is why you are done with life. Literally and figuratively. The peanuts were found one year and 46 months later by DEREK BUM. Billionaire and founder of the kitchen gun. He was given a Nobel Prize and recognized as one of the most fabulous ice skaters in the world. You watched him receive his award sadly as you burn in hell. You walk down a long corridor as you think of your sins. How could I steal that dumpling from that frog? He was just trying to give me that cracker! This you pondered a while and decided that you would go talk to Satan. Wendall said he was busy but what does Wendall know. You sit in the waiting room that was obviously infested with jelly-fish at some point. You find a crevice in the floor and decide to crawl into it. You hide from your sins for a couple of hours while Satan is completing his bodily duties in the throne room. Satan walks through the door to find you crouched in the floor counting your sprinkles. You cannot possibly be more embarrassed. Satan looks at you with sympathy and says, "One can never know the value of their sprinkles until they are scattered on the floor" you knew at once that Satan was your soul mate. You decide to quit your jobs and moved to the suburbs in Arkansas. A week after, you find out that Wendall is having an affair with Satan. You decide to take revenge and pet his cat. This infuriates Wendall and he kissed your mother. This makes your unicorn angry, because he is married to your mother. Satan and Wendall give up on you because you are a lost cause. You walk through the great dismal swamp, heartbroken. You possess a pumpkin  
To take away the sadness that overwhelms you. You live your afterlife as a pumpkin and develop arachnophobia (?) this depresses you and you die again not knowing who you are or who you could have been if you didn’t steal the dumpling from that frog.  
Wendall lives in a small town with his spouse, Satan. They live in a cottage that is dangerously close to a creek. This frightens Wendall, but he knows that Satan will leave him if he decides to live in Malaysia. Satan despises Malaysia, for that is where the feared DMITRY lives. Dmitry is the cause of all nudi branches. He knows that Satan is afraid of nudi branches. Satan believes that trees should always wear clothes, but Satan is mistaken. Tree should be able to make their own life choices and they do not have to be controlled by some hothead. Heehaw  
Satan has had many bad experiences with naked trees. With the absence of Wendall, Satan realizes that he is attracted to women. He marries a fine young babushka by the name of Charlamaine. They live a happy life......  
Whilst Satan is happy and distracted, you and Wendall form a plan. (a lot of time has passed since Wendall’s affair with Satan and you have realized that he is a swell dude after you joined the book club) you and Wendall pick up some loins from the gas store and decide to torture satan's new wife with them. You rise up from the ground, loins in hand and take action. 4.7629 seconds later, you have Charlamaine on the floor covered in loin. Satan walks across the room and hugs Wendall. You are FURIOUS. Wendall was so cool in book club! How could he! You throw yourself at Wendall and Satan only to find that it was not an embrace. Satan had stabbed Wendall through the spleen with his kitchen gun. Goshdangit Derek bum! Why’d you have to invent that STUIPID kitchen gun! Wendall was a swell dude..... And you didn’t have the guts to save him. Your depressing thoughts are interrupted by Satan growling. You look at him and are utterly disturbed. Satan gurgles again. This time, he spits out sprinkles and says,  
“One never knows the value of their sprinkles until they are scattered on the floor"  
Satan drops dead.  
WHAT THE H*CK  
SATAN ATE MY  
SPRINKLES?!  
You scream into the  
Dark abyss that has  
Become of your  
Second life.


	2. MEETING YSLOV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You move on, only to come running back to your soulmate in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MUAHAHAHAHHA

Relapse: Satan ate your sprinkles and you are extremely angry at him. Wendall turned out to be really swell, but Satan stabbed him with his kitchen gun. You now stand in Satan and Charlamaine’s cottage……  
“AGRHHHHHHHH” you suddenly hear a crash and look over at a loin-covered Charlamaine. She ran into the chiffarobe, knocking down your favorite caramel. You screech at her and throw her into the creek. Then you collect your fallen brethren- the caramel- and walk away, not looking back at the loin splattered walls. Four hours and 562 minutes later, you have made your way back to hell. However, after Satan’s death, it has become desolate and empty.   
All of a sudden, there is a glimmer on the floor. You run towards it, knowing exactly what it is!  
“MYYYYYY SPRIIIIIINKKKKLESSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” you screech  
Satan never ate your sprinkles……. You feel emptiness in your soul. Maybe Wendall was not a swell dude after all maybe your life is a lie! As your thoughts start racing, you eat a caramel and are shot into a wormhole that transports you into deep space. You stare at a chartreuse figure looming in the distance. As the figure moves closer you realize it a donkey. It starts to wiggle and twitch. You are disturbed, but cannot look away. ”wanna caramel?” you ask. The figure twitches uncontrollably and propels itself towards you. IT TAKES YOUR CARAMELS IN ITS MUSCULAR MOUTH AND SPEEDS OFF INTO THE DISTANCE! It loops back around and brings you the caramels. There is only one missing.  
“WhY HoWDy TheRE! I’M ySlOv vAnkErvIcH”  
You stare at this peculiar creature in disbelief. He only took one caramel! ONE! This is the most considerate person you have ever laid your eyes on. Yslov understands that you have never seen a creature like him. He takes your hand in his hoof and takes you to his nebula. It is lime green with various loins floating around in its cloud. Once again, you are amazed by the similarities between you and Yslov. After living with him for 1.25467837654689287547…. months, you develop agoraphobia. You are afraid to leave your nebula, and therefore go insane. Yslov cares for you, but eventually passes away from old age. You are left only with a cloud of loins and one caramel to protect you.  
4,658 years later, you hear a knock on the door to your nebula. Dmitry has tracked you down and is now in his water sedan waiting outside of your nebula. You ask him what he wants and he says, “You never signed the divorce papers with Satan Mc Guire.” You explain Satan’s death to Dmitry and he replies, “what do you mean Satan is DEAD! Hahahahhahaha! Why that’s the most ridiculous thing I have heard in me life! He is still alive and has sent me to look for you!” you stare in disbelief and then feel yourself falling into a dark tunnel as Dmitry loads you into his water sedan.  
You wake up not knowing what time it is or how long you have been in here. You have no memories from the last 4,660 years. The last memory you can recover is living happily with Satan. You hear a door opening and suddenly, Satan walks into the room wearing a fur cap. You are instantly attracted to him, for you can recall nothing of him eating your sprinkles or murdering Wendall. Satan greets you with a grin on his face that only a chicken who had just been exiled off its pirate ship could make. You run towards him and leap into his arms! This is the first you have noticed that Fidel Castro is standing in the corner. In your past life, he was your spouse. You instantly break your embrace with Satan and run to greet Fidel. Satan explodes into flames at the betrayal –he has worked for over 5,000 years to come back alive, work up the confidence to talk to Dmitry and find you in deep space- you stare in horror as Satan is engulfed in flames. And then it ends.   
You feel cold, a feeling you haven’t felt since you died the first time. Fidel Castro is sitting next to you playing the Feadog on a mountainside. The smoggy mountain air fills your lungs and you cough heroically. This causes you to tumble down the mountainside, hurling you to your death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE WILL BE A THIRD PART


	3. MEETING MATHEW

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your soulmate goes to far. he makes a mistake that he will regret forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AYAYAYAYYAAYA

You are sent into a dark vortex. As you fall, random shapes start to form around you. They are chanting in sync. The shapes slowly morph into memories. You see Satan stabbing Wendall. You get a glimpse of Charlamaine knocking into the chiffarobe. Then, you see Yslov. Everything from the 4,660 years is returning. Then, you are thrust into the sky. You soar into the air flailing. This is not comfortable at all and you feel your spleen rupture. You travel in a perfect arc and land promptly on the ground in a pile of sprinkles. Following your instincts, you begin to count them. This triggers flashbacks of your childhood. The world around you begins to turn. You wiggle your ears and suddenly your hearing is enhanced. The world is breaking. The bleak desert that you sit in is cracking. Without any hesitation, you leap for the sky. Not knowing why but it seems like the most sensible thing to do. You travel a lot further than you expected. Then, you see Yslov in the distance, twitching. You try to run towards him, but find that you cannot move for your legs have evaporated. You are suddenly confronted with the truth. The truth that you are made of acid. The cabbage in space has had a reaction with your body. You try to screech, but nothing happens. Suddenly, Yslov fades away and is replaced with Satan. You glare at him scandalously. He moves towards you. Then, you feel something in your fanny pack. A NUDI BRANCH! You hurl it at Satan. He screeches in fear and scampers off into the distance. You are very thankful that you bought that fanny pack at a discount price from walnut. You cartwheel through space until your agoraphobia comes back. You look for the nearest nebula and rest for the night. When you wake, a cloaked figure is couched above you. After all that has happened to you, this is not scary. You smack him across the face and he moos at you. You are amused, so you do it again. This time harder. He starts to yodel. You start crying for no reason and the creature looks concerned. He asks you if you are sane and you tell him you are not. The creature says his name it Mathew. You skip off into the abyss with Mathew.  
Meanwhile, Satan is plotting. After his combustion, he has been emotionally unstable. He blames himself for your disappearance.   
“WHAT IS NOT LIKEABLE ABOUT ME, FIDEL?! IT’S MY LACK OF GENDER ISN’T IT?” he screams at Fidel   
Fidel Castro sits in the corner of Satan’s office making slight grunting noises with his nose. He ignores Satan and starts to whittle sand.  
Satan takes a leisurely run around the park and comes back angrier than before.  
“THAT DIDDLY DARN SQUIRREL ALMOST MADE ME DROP MY RICOTTA!!!!!!!!!!”  
Again Fidel ignores him  
“ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”  
You and Mathew are surfing the interweb to find a suitable nebula to settle down in. you find one on Nebulasareus.com. You decide to move there in the next sprawl. You move into your house and start to read The Farmer’s Guide to Nebula Owning when you hear knock at the door. Mathew runs to answer it. Curious, you step into the hallway. Mathew opens the door, and there is Satan, kitchen gun in hand. He stabs Mathew through the spleen in the same way he did with Wendall. Mathew collapses to the floor.  
“WHAT THE DING DONG DIDDLY DARN CRACK-A-LACKIN HALLELUJAH QUINNY G’S RESTAURANT AND LOUNGE CHILLIN IN THE SUBBURBS MOTHER OF A LLAMACORN IS WRONG WITH YOU SATAN??!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?” you screech  
Satan sees that you are full of hatred towards him. And for the first time, Satan walks off. Away from your nebula and off into deep space. You couch over Mathew and cry your deadly acid tears. This is the first time you have felt feelings since Yslov died.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE WILL BE A FOURTH PART


	4. MEETING ULYSSES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have the chance to forgive your soulmate. you realize that forgiveness is always the best option.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter is short.

You stand once again in an empty house. Satan has murdered you lover once more and you are overwhelmed with sadness. You shuffle out of your nebula and run straight into a crab mating ground. You realize this is not where you are supposed to be and walk away sadly. Once again you are all alone in deep space. The last time this happened, Yslov came to your rescue. But now he is dead and you are lonely. You decide to join the Brokenhearted Quiche club. On your first meeting, you sit in a rhombus on the floor and discuss your problems. You realize that your problems are not nearly as bad as some of the other Quiches there. “My wife left me for a ramekin.” Says Ulysses. He looks out the angular window with a look of depression. Without warning, he hugs you. You screech and flail about but Ulysses does NOT LET GO! After 4.67243 minutes he lets go. You lecture him on your property codes and he apologizes for violating them. You ask him if he wants to run away from life problems with you and he agrees. You escape through the back door of the brokenhearted quiche club only to find Satan making his way in. he doesn’t look surprised to see you. He asks for a minute alone with you and Ulysses leaves. When you are alone, Satan starts balling. He apologized for everything. For cheating on you, for stabbing Wendall, for killing Yslov, and for killing Mathew. Do you forgive Satan?  
FORGIVENESS:  
You know that Satan is sincere. He looks like a dead snake. You know that the only way to continue on with a happy life is to forgive him. Satan lights up at this and he hugs you ferociously. You realize that Satan is the only one for you. He is your soulmate. 

 

DENIAL:  
Satan looks at you. Tears pour down his face. You feel satisfied at what you have reduced him to. He lays on the ground. His tears put out his flames and he turns to stone. You know that deep down you should have forgiven him. You turn into an evil zebra and kill Ulysses. You live the rest of your life tormenting and blaming your sins on innocent ballpoint pens of the south. After you have killed them all, you are lonely. Your sins haunt you and you die alone on a pile of dead ballpoint pens, regretting everything… by the way, forgiveness is better!

BACK TO FORGIVENESS:  
You call Ulysses back and introduce him to Satan. Satan shakes his hand and accidentally lights Ulysses on fire. You watch in horror as your only friend is engulfed in flames. You must take action. You grab the nearest Toblerone™ and you start whacking Ulysses with it .this puts out the fire. Satan gets down on his knees and begs for forgiveness. Ulysses brushes off the soot and smacks Satan across the face. You smile because you know he deserved it. Ulysses says he forgives Satan only because he was part of the Gertrude’s march for yucca awareness. The three of you run off into the sunset with Satan and Ulysses by your side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE WILL BE A FIFTH PART...


	5. MEETING ULYSSES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of twists and turns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MMMMM

You travel for 794 weeks and eventually give up. You keep ending up in the exact same spot, the back of the brokenhearted quiche club, and never know why. You eventually accept your destiny and go back in. the quiches greet you, Ulysses and Satan with attempted smiles. They completely failed at smiling. It looks like a constipated warthog that just survived the cold war. War. War. War! You have sudden war flashbacks and are thrust into a black hole. You call for Ulysses and Satan but no one answers. NEEH NAHH NEEH NAHH. The sound of sirens awakens you from your dreams. You are paralyzed in fear as you return to reality. You stand alone in the brokenhearted quiche club. You knew that Satan was emotionally unstable, but not to this extent. The club was in flames. All of the atmospheric loins had been removed and the extraterrestrial mockingbirds were bombing the place! You have died so many times it is not even a problem anymore. You are hit by a bomb and teleported back to hell. It is just as you remember it, except now there is a club of hitchhiking cockroaches that set up camp. They are gossiping about their cockroach problems for 2,536 hours and they eventually fall asleep. You sit on the floor and dirt off to sleep also.  
When you awaken you see a figure crouched on the floor counting something. You stare at the figure and wait for it to move so that you can see what it it’s counting. It shifts slightly and you realize it is counting sprinkles. YOUR sprinkles!! You screech and throw yourself at the creature, knocking off its blast of Theo’s yak. It looks up and croaks your name. You would know that voice anywhere.   
“WENDALLLLLLLLLL” you are screaming now! You run into his arms!  
But then, he pushes you away. You are bewildered. He was your friend for so long! Just as you begin to assess your problems, another figure comes forward. And then another and another. They all look identical to Wendall. Tall, with beady eyes and a bulbous chin. They have everything in common with him, except for one thing. They do not have his fabulous hair! Oh! You should have known! Wendall’s hair was always his priority and it was always amazing. These creatures had short, matted hair. Nothing like Wendall’s. You awaken from your thoughts to find the creatures all staring at you.  
“Qui est cet homme que vous cherchez?” says one.  
“¿quién es este hombre que buscas” says another.  
“Wer ist dieser Mann, den Sie suchen?” says the third.  
“WHO IS THIS MAN YOU SEEK?!?!” finally, something you can understand!  
You tell them about Wendall. And your relationship with him. A shorter creature announced that he wanted you to marry Wendall. You said no. then, you had to explain to them that Wendall was dead. They instantly hated Satan and decided they would murder him. You say that you have no idea of Satan’s whereabouts. Then, the creatures start to tell you some about them. You find out that they have the power to bring people back from the dead. This intrigues you, and you ask questions.  
“How many people can you bring back?”  
“On one per 4,567 years.”  
“Can you bring back all kinds of creatures?”  
“Yes”  
And finally. The question you were dying to ask.  
“Can you bring back someone I know?”  
“Yes. Who would you like to bring back?”  
You now know that you must choose. Should you bring back Yslov, Mathew, Wendall, or Ulysses? (Assuming that Ulysses is dead)  
YSLOV:  
There is a whooshing noise. And then, suddenly, ySlOv is standing in front of you. He looks tired and sad. Apparently, he had found a new lover in heaven and was torn away from them. He explains this to you and you become depressed. You thank the “Wendall’s” for their service and walk out of hell. On your way out, you step in gum and ruin your new shoes. This depresses you further and you decide to go home to you and Mathew’s nebula. You cry your life away, knowing that ySlOv no longer loves you. You remember his words to you when you left hell. “I always loved you, because I felt sorry for you. You went through a lot, and I felt the need to protect you.”  
You died later that year, and so did ySlOv. Again.  
MATHEW:  
There is a whooshing noise, and suddenly, Mathew is standing before you, in all his glory. He looks confused, but suddenly realizes what has happened and he hugs you! You feel happiness return to you. And then, Mathew goes limp. He spurts something from his cloaked mouth, and you instantly know what it is. A LOIN! You are too shocked to save him. You react slowly and by the time you perform CPR on Mathew, he is dead. You stare at the “Wendall’s” in disbelief, for they are obviously the ones who stabbed him. They try to explain that they were action on instinct and that their species and Mathew’s species had a way long ago and ever since they have been killing them, but you are not listening. You are so overwhelmed with grief, that you die then and there.   
WENDALL:  
You hear a whooshing noise, and suddenly Wendall is standing before you. He smiles, but when he turns around to see his relatives, he is overwhelmed with joy. You know that the right thing to do is to let Wendall live with his long lost relatives. And you sneak out unnoticed. You run into Ulysses on your way out! Apparently he had also died and gone to hell. You greet him and hug him. You explain what happened and he agrees to return to deep space with you. You run away from hell with him, knowing that you did the right thing in letting Wendall be with his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE WILL BE A SIXTH PART...

**Author's Note:**

> THERE WILL BE A SECOND PART...


End file.
